Chaplain’s Column

Dealing with Conflict

A few years ago, my wife, of 23 years, and I were speaking at a marriage conference. During the conference we were asked if my wife and I ever had arguments. My response was we don’t have arguments, we have “intense discussions.”

The truth is every person and every relationship will face times of conflict. When most people think of “conflict,” the first thoughts that come to mind are arguing or fighting.

Most people have a negative concept of conflict. The realization is that life does not take place in an empty building or a blank book but among the lives of people.

In a normal life and normal relationships, I believe that conflict itself is normal. This is going to happen because we are people and we are different.

Therefore, we see with different perspectives. Every relationship no matter how good, will experience conflict. Conflict is neutral. It is neither destructive nor constructive. It’s how we respond to the conflict that gives it a good or bad outcome. Conflict is natural. We are not an island to ourselves in this world. Where there are people, there is conflict.

Therefore, things like fighting or yelling are not conflicts, but they are things that happen when you mismanage a conflict. Depending on our responses to conflict, things like lessons learned or a strengthened relationship can also be an outcome of conflict.

I believe that conflict management is about relationships. It is about learning to respond to conflict in ways that lead to positive transformation.

The first step in dealing with conflict is identifying the specific cause of the conflict. There are several common causes of conflict: lack of common understanding, different goals and values, poor communication skills, power struggles and manipulations, unclear or unfair expectations, and different perspectives and personalities.

Being able to identify the specific cause of the conflict you’re dealing with will help you better overcome these challenges and remain effective in your life.

The real issue becomes not if conflict will happen, but what will we do about it? Jesus himself engaged in conflict. Sometimes he started conflict and at other times he resolved conflict.

If Jesus could not live in this world without conflict, we might as well accept it – we too, will have conflict.

Unresolved conflict robs us of joy and peace. It stifles motivation and productivity. When conflict is not resolved it drains energy and destroys relationships, creating dysfunctional communities.

When conflict is managed properly, it can produce positive outcomes. It can help bring a solution to a problem or give new direction.

Conflict can bring growth in relationships. I think it is important to understand that not all conflict is bad.

It is normal, universal and should be expected. People have always lived in a culture of tension and conflict.

Conflict can be used to develop us as a person and overcome challenges. It can also be used to help make needed change. I believe conflict can be an opportunity to grow.

Let’s model maturity to the next generation. Bring civility back in style. Honor one another!